Part 7 – The Lucky Leavers

Posted: June 27, 2014 in Humour


“I’m leaking oil from my a***” Baba Om grumbled.

Pehalwan grinned and stirred the poha he was making.

“Now I realise why after running like a dog every day for over a month, I’m not losing any weight. Of course, when I’m consuming more oil than a truck, what can I do?”

“It’s not that bad you know. Just a few tablespoons”, Pehalwan retorted.

Baccha raised an eyebrow. It was time for him to comment.

“Pehalwan, I just saw that cooking utensil into which you poured vegetable oil. You poured almost half a glass! And I was wondering why one of my pants split by the seams recently.  My butt is growing to a size matching that of Queen Latifah’s”

Pehalwan got defensive, “Oh come on boys! I hardly added a few spoons of oil”

Baba started prodding “Ok. Let’s see. How long does it take you to finish 1 bottle of oil?”

“Hmm. Two weeks” said Pehalwan thoughtfully (he didn’t want to tell them it was actually more like a week and a half).

The high-flying consultant got into the numbers game he was good at.

“We cook dinner only 4 times a week and cook lunch twice during weekends. And so that means, if we consume 1 litre of oil for 12 meals, you use an average of 83 ml per cooking.”

Baccha took his phone’s calculator, tapped a few numbers, looked up with a stunned look on his face and declared, “Oil has 140 KCals per tablespoon and therefore given the amount of oil Pehalwan uses to cook, we consume 775 Kcals purely on account of that oil”!

“And of course don’t forget the quarter kg of nuts in each cooking of poha. In other words, Pehalwan’s ‘light poha breakfast’ (as he calls it) has more calories than a Mcdonald’s Burger”, Baccha added a split second later.

Baccha and Baba looked at each other, moaned and wailed and groaned when they realised why all the running they did in the past month had gone down the drain. And they cursed Pehalwan for being the reason behind them getting fatter by the day.

However, five minutes later, the two went on to gobble the poha thanklessly, all the same. Tasty home cooked food shouldn’t be wasted. ‘Think about all those starving Africans’, was what their parents used to tell them, when they were children.

As it turned out, the breakfast that Sunday, was the last breakfast the three of them had together.

On Monday morning, Baba, walked in to the Empty Men office in a T-Shirt and a pair of jeans (the days of the Jacket and tie were long past). He went around and said his goodbyes to Guddu, Motesepatla, Pehalwan, Baccha, Chatu, Bakwasbola and all those around (also showed his middle finger behind the back of his least favourite people) and then got on a taxi and left for the airport to catch his flight to India.

Mech Tee had failed to pay Baba’s consulting firm the money they were due and this was a good enough excuse for Baba to hitch his ride home. He was not going to come back if he could help it.

Baba, the high-flying consultant who could whip up a power point presentation that even the so-hard-to-please Cheeku Maharaj accepted grudgingly, left a big void that PPTwala could not fill with anybody else. PPTwala didn’t want to pay Baba’s firm until his payments in turn came from Empty Men. And Cheeku was not a man who gave way his signature easily on documents that involved payments.

Rumour was it that PPTwala later was found sitting in a ‘dharna’ outside the consulting firm’s Indian office demanding Baba’s return; he staunchly believed that Arvind Kejriwal’s outdated methods were still effective.

Meanwhile, all was not fine with the Mech Tee guys working in Empty Men either. People were running away on some pretext or another and others were being sent back.

Shortly after Baba’s return, Sharaabi went on a week’s vacation and never returned. It seemed that one relative after another was falling ill for a week each that stopped him from returning.  Rumour mongers said that Sharaabi was frantically searching for a new job sitting in India.

Naresh Singh (the man who Muthusamy believed to be the out-of-work Bollywood star Rahul Dev) was asked to depart. Cheeku didn’t like the swagger with which Naresh walked or like the fact that despite yelling at him in a sound exceeding 140 Decibels, Naresh simply looked with an indifferent look on his face and never changed.

Bakwasbola, meanwhile, went on a 2 week vacation to India. Pehalwan placed a bet with Baccha that he wouldn’t return (2:1 odds). After all, Bakwasbola had even quit from his role a week before and had to just serve out his notice period.  Contrary to expectations though, he did return (Bakwasbola didn’t have the heart to leave his 5 Louis Philippe Shirts and 4 pairs of black boots which he had left in the apartment before leaving).

Both Baccha and Pehalwan were looking for their turn to run away too.

Baccha had written a page long explanation to PPTwala months ago stating why he could no longer continue. PPTwala found it too complex to read, so kept postponing the reading 1 week at a time.  Baccha relentlessly used outlook reminders to periodically remind him.

“When will our time come man?” Pehalwan asked Baccha after serving him dinner before settling down to watch the world cup match between Netherlands and Spain on night.

“Are you talking of both of us leaving this place soon?” Baccha responded, before hesitantly accepting the dinner plate (775/2 Kcals of oil, Gulp!)

“Of course! Even Guddu and Motesepatla might leave soon. Their companies have agreed to let them go from this hellhole”

“What are the chances of Netherlands beating the world Champion Spain? That’s how good our chances are. We work for Mech Tee at Empty Men premises. We can’t leave when we want to” Baccha responded in a sulky tone.

Pehalwan sighed and settled into a sofa to watch the game.

Life can throw in a few surprises once in a while.

Netherlands trounced the world champions Spain 4 -1 that night.


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